Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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