If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
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