There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
