it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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