Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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