I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
