The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
