Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
