you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
