I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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