I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
