happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
