dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
