I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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