Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
