If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
