The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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