My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
