I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
