I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
