cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
