I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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