if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
