I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
