I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
