Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
