remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
