i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
