Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
