Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
