just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
