Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
