The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
