There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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