party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
