my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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