i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
farters have to be the big spoon...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
