Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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