I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
