my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You took a bar mat shot.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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