I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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