Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
