we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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