I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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