I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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