I must be too annoying 4 u.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
