He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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