he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
