My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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