If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
